10 Things to Stop Saying During Faith Deconstruction

Here’s my top ten countdown of things to stop saying that will help you break away from toxic religion during the hardest parts of faith deconstruction.

Number 10: “I’ll never get through this faith deconstruction thing.”

No matter where you’re at a deconstruction, there’s a good chance it’s overwhelming, and I’m not going to lie, it can be tough to get through to the other side.

What’s important to know is that deconstruction is a lifelong process, just like faith, learning, or any other knowledge-based experience. So you don’t have to get to the other side of your faith deconstruction tomorrow.

Just because you’ll be doing this for a while, doesn’t mean it will be as hard as it is today. Instead of focusing on getting through, learn to hold space and care for yourself in the present moment.

So give yourself the space to be in deconstruction, feel everything you’re feeling, and keep the hope that it will not always be this way.

Number 9: “I’m the only one doing this.”

Walking away from a religious community you’ve been in for a very long time can make you feel like you’re the only one. And the way belonging is weaponized in the community exacerbates this. So when people reject you because you’re asking the ‘wrong questions’ or when your beliefs are starting to not align with your local church family, know that this is pretty common.

Sometimes it feels like you’re the only person who feels this way. But I promise you’re not.

Releasing yourself from the pressure of preserving your faith as-is gives you a better chance of coming out the other side of your deconstruction with some faith intact, even if it looks radically different than the faith you had before.

Number 7: “I just need/want someone to tell me the right answers.”

Trust me, I hear you on this one. One of the most dangerous things about toxic religion and any other abusive system that hoards power is that there’s always a handful of people at the top of the food chain who dominate the story. They write the story and tell us what’s valuable, what’s not, what’s a threat, and what is helpful, and deconstruction challenges that.

So while you may want it to be easier, having someone to come in and tell you, “Hey, this is what to believe,” all that will do is throw you into another relationship where you trust other peopel’s opinion more than you’re own. It would be a devastating blow to your healing and shut down your deconstruction.

So while it seems like it would be easier in the short run, it would be devastating in the long haul to have someone tell you what to believe and never learning how to choose what you want to believe.

Number 6: “I can’t do this faith deconstruction thing alone.”

So after reading the previous statement, you’re probably wondering if I’m saying that deconstruction is something that you have to do by yourself. It’s not, but you could if you had to. People are often shocked when I say this because I highly value community and see how supportive relationships can help us flourish.

But here’s the thing I want you to know. Even if you were the only person in the entire universe who was deconstructing and ended up on a desert island, all by yourself, you could do this on your own.

Remember, we’re not talking about adopting someone else’s belief system or allowing someone else to tell us what steps to take next. We’re talking about deconstructing as a way to reconnect with our Inner Knowing, reconnecting with this sense of something greater, and get away from the pre-packaged version of faith and spirituality. This means you can do this independently. Again, you don’t have to because there are lots of us out here who would love to support you.

Inside you is evrything you need to untangle from toxic religion, you just have to learn to listen and trust because you are your best faith deconstruction guide.

Number 5. “I wish I were better at sorting through my beliefs.”

It’s easy to be hard on yourself during faith deconstruction, but it makes sense as it is part of your conditioning of what the church told you to avoid at all costs. In order to change your conditioning and learn something new, you have to change how you look at other people. I will also encourage you not to compare yourself to some idealized version of deconstructing that you think would be easier. No matter how we do it, it’s hard and it’s certainly not perfect.

Where you’re at and how you take the following step matters. Some people have to leave the church to be able to navigate deconstruction, while others can stay in their church. Sometimes people stay in their church, but they’re less active. Some people walk entirely away from their faith.

All of those things are good if it’s what you need to get healthy-So give yourself permission to be in the messy middle without shame and self-judgement.

I have never met a single person who dipped their toe in deconstruction and hasn’t struggled with complexity and heaviness.

Number 4: “I wish I was like, “____ (insert famous person who deconstructed.) They seem to be handling this way better than me.”

While I encourage you to listen to other people who have made it through the season of intense faith deconstruction that you’re in, learn from their mistakes, and be encouraged by the fact that it’s not always as hard as it may be in the present moment, I want you to be careful about comparing yourself to other people. It’s not something that benefits you because it feeds those old doubts and feelings of not being good enough.

Occasionally, we can look up to people and say, that’s where I would like to be. But again, in faith deconstruction and spirituality, you’re learning to tune into your voice and recognize the innate holiness within you as a human being. So if you’re looking at other people talking about their faith deconstruction and saying, I want to do this, like them, what’s happening is you’re viewing their experience or at least the little snippet of their experience and trusting it more than your voice.

And so it creates this, you’re like diminishing your expertise and saying that theirs is better, which, again, toxic religion constantly tells people they don’t measure up to the gold standard. What you’re seeing is probably only part of the picture. And even if it is the whole picture, it doesn’t matter because your journey matters most. Altogether, it makes sense why it ripples into deconstruction.

So there are a million different options in deconstruction. You have to be careful not to look at someone else’s snippet, Instagram, or blog and say, “If I did it better, I would look more like them.”

Number 3: “I’m messing up and this is probobly a huge mistake.”

Perhaps old lies you’ve believed about yourself and your worth are still deepely embedded. For most of us, those negative thoughts get louder during faith deconstruction, because wee are challenging old habits. If you have spent much time at all in these unhealthy spaces, it’s going to take more than a minute for you to uproot all those old limiting beliefs.

You aren’t making this up…It’s hard because you’ve been taught to doubt yourself and assume that following your instincts will lead you down the slippery slope to the pit of hell. Backing off when hard stuff hits is only going to preserve those old limiting beliefs.

Deconstruction invites you to consider every belief, including deciding if your heart is good or bad, and choose whether it’s worth keeping around. Leaning into freedom can mean choosing not to believe old stories about our hearts being deceitful above all things, but it can still be complicated to peel away from your mind.

Give yourself all of the grace durinig faith deconstruction; if it feels heavy and like too much, walk away, take a break, and return when ready.

Number 2: “I don’t have time for self-care during faith deconstruction.”

All right, honest moment. There’s never going to be ‘enough time’ to take care of yourself until you make it a priority. The pressure to always be performing and care for everybody else is pervasive in the Christian Church and is rooted in oppressive systems that uphold that status quo. Patriarchy within the Church leads to fewer women in pulpits, places of leadership, and power, while at the same time exploiting our free labor in the home and our communities.

Even if you weren’t engaged in faith deconstruction, I would tell you that self-care is essential. And I don’t mean self-care, like taking a shower and going to the bathroom alone. I mean authentic self-care, having time to breathe, gently move your body, do the things that bring you joy, rest, and eat nourishing foods.

Doing some of those basic things that an oppressive society and imbalanced unjust society tells us are a waste of time tells us we’re not the ones being selfish; they are.

Taking care of yourself is even more critical right now. When you’re amid deconstruction and in the space where you’re recovering from religious trauma, there’s one phrase you should especially avoid…

The number 1 thing to stop saying to yourself is anything that starts with, “I should…”

I hope you’re beginning to notice a theme around here. Saying “I should” usually points you toward exploitation, scarcity, and feeling like you ahve to earn affection and approval. Because other than saying I should take better care of myself, the ‘shoulds’ will point you back to the pressure you’re used to in toxic religion. For example, I should read my Bible more, I should trust God more,  or I should pray harder because then things will work out better for me.

Those are all pointing you back to those unhealthy systems that raised you. So if you can’t eliminate should from your vocabulary altogether, then anytime it comes up, I want you to ask yourself. Which direction does the should point? Back to the unhealthy system? Or does it direct you towards your flourishing, freedom, health, and spirituality that nourishes you?

Because if it’s pointing you back to that unhealthy space, it doesn’t deserve to live rent free in your head.  

I hope this list of 10 things to stop saying during faith deconstruction has been helpful. Leave a comment below with which one you’ll stop using or if you have your own to add!

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